I came into this life, this rough world, as a small child, gifted a kind personality and a big heart. I considered them to be gifts during my first steps accompanied by my parents.
They protected me from me. They protected me from the bad in this world.
The words I heard, admiring my true self,,, “he’s so kind, he’s so sweet”, made my heart beat calmer. I walked easier every time. Just a few sentences, a few words were sufficient.
I felt it.
I felt the warm feeling in my soul, between my bones.
The relentless flow of time changed this.
All of this, admired by my family, gave the oportunity to the rocks around me.
What I considered as gifts, they considered as weaknesses.
The boy with blond, wavy hair not engaging in any form of conflict, the boy with a slim body, the boy with a big heart became a victim.
A victim of dark places, where physical strength beats a lover.
It was pointless using the charm of my personality, trying to be my true self. I failed.
At home glowing in the security of my family, outside, afraid of the real world.
Looking into someone’s eyes posed a risk. A risk of conflict.
To express disagreement posed a risk. A risk of conflict.
Even with a strong mind, the body was weak. Vulnerable to the confident wind.
A short haircut, resembling with a haircut of a tough soldier, should be the solution, a solution how to gain respect around you. Did it work? Of course not. It just gave me the look of a young boy fighting with an uncurable illness.
In desperate times, the mind seeks desperate solutions.
A bag with clothes, a bottle of water accompanied my way. The decision to become a member of the local gym became reality. It didn’t make sense. To be freely a part of a place, where people hated small and skinny legs.
Every day I worked out amongst them. Every day, I worked hard. I didn’t stop. I didn’t give up.
I persisted.
Repetition after repetition. A clear goal ahead of me. To build a big body.
A strong body evoking fear and respect around me. As the days passed, the weights increased. My muscles sweated in the hot pain. My desires were changing.
My goal was vanishing.
These unknown thoughts and feelings became a part of me.
Self-discipline, self-love, self-confidence.
I built something from nothing.
This desirable need flowing through my undeniably visible veins on my slim body to be a respected muscly man vanished. It disappeared together with my fear.
The fake things disappeared, to be replaced with the authentic feelings of happiness, proudness, a clear mind, without fear, depression, disinterest and laziness.
Always avoiding pain, now seeking it.
That man always scared of something became a part of something.
That man dreaming of respect from others gained more than just that.
He gained friends called brothers.
The man longing to build a mighty body, a body radiating respect, fear, had to build respect within himself.
PS: Thank You Greg Plitt